*T/W: Suicide; addiction. This article discusses topics that may be triggering for some. Reader discretion is advised.
Does the entertainment industry still have its shine? And is the price of fame still worth it? For some, the idea of being a celebrity equals extravagant lifestyles – the clothes, mansions, vacations – and the clout of having, say, Olivia Rodrigo on speed dial. Sure, these are amazing perks. But the price of fame – zero privacy, constant judgement and in Liam Payne’s experience, mental health struggles – may not be worth it.
The former One Direction member went into quite a few (very private) details of his life on an episode of The Diary of a CEO podcast. On top of sharing the heartbreaking reasons behind the end of his engagement, he detailed the effect of being a part of such a massively successful group at such a young age: a feel for what “rock bottom” could look like.
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Payne, who found himself a part of one of the best-selling boy bands of all time at the age of 16, didn’t like the version of himself that he was growing to be back then.
“There is some stuff that I have definitely never, never spoken about. It was really, really, really severe. It was a problem. And it was only until I saw myself after that I was like ‘Right, I need to fix myself.’ I just didn’t like myself very much and then I made a change.”
Some of the “stuff” included the extent of the effect of the combination of fame, alcohol, and drugs on him. The father of one said his “rock bottom” included moments of “suicidal ideation.” Suicidal ideation refers to the want to take your own life or the presence of thoughts about suicide. Payne describes the time as a “wild” one as, without the freedom to move about as they pleased, he’d often turned to alcohol as a means of escape.
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Comparing their days as a group to having a dust cloth pulled off them, Payne lamented their lack of freedom.
“As a teen, the one thing you need is freedom to make choices and freedom to do stuff. In the band… the best way to secure us, because of how big we’d got, was just to lock us in our rooms. What’s in the room? A mini-bar. So at a certain point I thought, I’m just going to have a party-for-one and that seemed to carry on for many years of my life […] We were always locked in a hotel room at night. Then it would be car, hotel room, stage, sing, locked. So it looked like they pulled the dust cloth off and let us out for a minute and then back underneath it.””
But for Payne, the end of the band was a good change.
“There were points where it was toxic and difficult. Don’t get me wrong, we had the best time ever, but… you don’t realize you have a choice at that point. The day the band ended, I was like, ‘Thank the Lord.’ I know a lot of people are going to be mad at me for saying that, but I needed to stop or it would kill me.”
But the one highlight of his days as a member of One Direction would possibly the friendships, which Payne himself says is “great with most of them.” Calling former bandmate Harry Styles “a lovely, lovely boy”, he shared his love for Styles:
“I had a lovely phone call from Harry the other day. He was checking in on me. It’s almost as if some people have got a sixth sense about when you’re going through something and want to check in.”
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact Befrienders Malaysia at 03-76272929. They are available 24H for an anonymous call.
*Cover image credits: @onedirection
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