When the world was first introduced to the concept of love languages back in 1992, many were sceptical as to what difference it would make to their relationships. Gary Chapman introduced the concept in his book “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”, outlining five general ways that romantic partners express and experience love. The reason why Chapman felt that this was important to conceptualise, was that in discovering which love language you and your partner respond to the most and then regularly putting that into practice, you create a lasting relationship.
Now, the pandemic and subsequent physical distancing measures put in place may have unwittingly given us cause to forget about love languages. After all, how do you ensure your partners need for quality time is fulfilled if you’re forced to be apart? Not only are our daily routines disrupted, but the way we’re allowed to interact has changed drastically. But, if anything, the pandemic serves as more of a reason to understand what love languages are and how to incorporate our understanding of them into our relationships.
Your love language isn’t just limited to your romantic relationships, either.
Over the years, it became more and more apparent that the way we show the people around us that we love them is similar across the board: be it if were romantically involved with them, if they were family or if they were just platonic friendships. It even reflects on the way we show ourselves, love.
Knowing your love language means you now have a way to explain what you want to get what you need, and vice versa with your partner.
So, what are the love languages?
Words of Affirmation
Think: “You look really nice today,” / “I appreciate you helping me with this,” / “I’d love your opinion on…”
People whose love language is words of affirmation don’t just want you to tell them you love them. They want to know that you appreciate them through verbal encouragement.
Avoid: Insults, backhanded compliments, passive-aggressive comments.
Physical Touch
Think: holding hands, a shoulder squeeze, having their partners arm over their shoulder/around their waist, giving them a massage.
There’s not much to elaborate on here, it’s pretty straightforward that people whose love language is ‘physical touch’ like the comfort and safety that comes with their partners/friends touch. It’s a physical manifestation of the fact that you’re there for them and that you are looking out for them. Oftentimes, just sitting beside them can be enough for them.
Avoid: non-consensual touch!
Quality Time
Think: Walks together, being in the same room, start and end your day together, eye contact.
For someone whose love language is ‘quality time’, it is important that you are intentional with your time together. Make it a point to do so by planning little moments during the day (based on each others schedule) where your attention is undivided; where the eye contact is strong and you’re listening, acknowledge their feelings, and make them feel heard.
Avoid: Being on your phone around them, putting off meetings too often, not being present in the moment.
Receiving Gifts
Think: their favourite drink/snack, flowers on an anniversary, the game they’ve been talking about for weeks.
First off, forget the notion that people whose love language is receiving gifts are materialistic or money-grabbing. The truth of the matter is, they like tangible reminders that you thought/were reminded of them. The price of the gift doesn’t matter as much as the sentimentality of knowing, “Hey, I got this for you because it reminded me of you”.
Avoid: forgetting to get them something on important occasions!
Acts of Service
Think: pay attention to how much sugar they like in their coffee, when the movie they want to watch is released, doing things why don’t like doing (like taking out the trash)
When you give Acts of Service, you give up your time. This non-verbal form of love can be time-consuming and exhausting, but if it’s what you partner needs, then it’s worth the effort.
Avoid:
Or, TL;DR…
But don’t we need a little bit of everything in our relationships?
Of course! Life is all about balance and in our relationships with people, maintaining a healthy balance of words of affirmation, physical touch, gifting, quality time and acts of service means that much more for the longevity in our relationships. However, the important point is that…
“Some things matter a lot less to people.”
While you may love receiving gifts, your partner may prefer it if you helped around the house with the chores. One or two of the love languages tend to stick out more than the others, and each individual prioritises one over the other in different ways. When there is little or no understanding of what your partner “needs”, resentment builds up. Chapman made it very clear that…
“Once you are speaking his or her primary love language fluently, then you can sprinkle in the other four and they will be like icing on the cake.”
*Cover image credits: Instagram / @malcolmandmariefilm