“Is getting over a long term relationship too fast a bad thing?”
First of all, how fast is too fast?
You cannot control who you meet or how you feel about someone when you first meet them, everyone has a different journey through life. But, while some think that you should follow the “time you were together ÷ 2 = how long you should wait to date” equation, others are able to start dating right off the bat of a breakup. Although really, that equation makes little sense – if you’ve been in a relationship for 10 years, are you supposed to wait 5 to start dating again?
Your post-breakup “me” time can be based on so many different factors, even when it comes to long term relationships. Maybe you’ve grown apart, in which case, moving on afterwards can be easier. Or, maybe, there was so much wrong in your relationship that you feel the need for more “me” time after you break up – in which case, it might take you longer to get back into dating. In this way, a breakup for some might be a breakthrough for them – they now know themselves better, they know that they can’t get what they want from their relationship and that leaving is the best option – or a temporary breakdown – where they cannot accept that the relationship has ended and thus need longer to heal.
So, is there really such a thing as moving on “too fast”?
To answer this question is to answer if it is a bad thing to get over your long term relationship fast. And the answer is…
Because the real question you should be asking yourself is, “Is this the right thing to do, for me?”.
In the same way that everyone’s timelines are different, how long you should wait until you move on or if it’s wrong to move on fast really depends on you. You need to ask yourself –
1. Am I rebounding?
Why is it that you’re finding yourself attached to someone else so quickly after your breakup? Was it just a twist of fate that the universe has brought you someone special, someone you can connect with on a deeper level so quickly? If so, don’t mind the haters. But, if you find yourself dating just about anyone who looks your way, then you need to hold your horses. Do you really want to be with this new person or are you just trying to get back the comfort and motion of being in a relationship? In other words, do you like this person or do you like being in relationships? Can you name 10 different attributes about this new person that you like? If you can’t, you might need to reevaluate your reasons for being with them so soon after your breakup. Does it matter to you if this person suddenly upped and left tomorrow or will you be okay with switching to the next card in your hand?
Give it some thought because you need to be able to answer this next question…
2. Does anyone get hurt this way?
The biggest reason why moving on quickly after your breakup (especially if it’s from a long term relationship) could be bad is because you could end up hurting both yourself and the next person that comes your way. For one, the first few people you meet will have you comparing them to your ex. Whether this is good (maybe your ex was toxic) or bad (you might feel no one could measure up to him/her), this is not fair to the person you are dating. While you make mental ” pros and cons” lists in your head, the person in front you doesn’t know this. And they could be trying your level best but instead of enjoying who they are as individuals, you’re stuck on someone who is in your past.
Not to mention the fact that by making these comparisons, you might be leading yourself to deeper waters. If your ex was someone who was really good to you and really suited you, but due to circumstances, it just didn’t work out – imagine the disappointment you would end up feeling because you kept measuring everyone else against your ex. It might make you feel as if no one is as good as he/she was and that there’s no one better out there. Wost of all, this could lead you to go back to your ex and trust me, if she/he is your ex, it’s probably for a reason. You don’t need to lead your life based on the ghosts of your past, you need to do what’s right for you.
Which leads us to the last question…
3. Is this what you need now?
Again, it comes back to – do you want this person or do you want a relationship? The reason why taking your time after a breakup is always preferred is that it’s easy to create a “you” that’s based around your previous relationship, causing you to lose the real “you”. This “you” is the one that you go to bed with at night, wake up in the morning with and spend the whole day around – you are your most important relationship. Moving on without a break in between relationships doesn’t give you the time to be the amazing individual you can be – the one that loves to write or draw or cook or read. When was the last time you did these things for you, with only you? Especially with long term relationships, it feels as if the only mould that you fit into is the one with your ex, but remember that before your ex, you were you. Check-in with your friends, spend time with the missed opportunities you couldn’t explore because it didn’t suit your ex. This will allow you to learn from your relationship with your ex, for you to mature from it and from being by yourself again.
Just because you were with your ex for a long time, does not mean that you should hold yourself back for doing what you need. If what you need is to take time for your self, do it. If what you need is to find comfort in someone else, go ahead. Of course, this doesn’t mean you should fault your new relationships all over soc-med. There is no need to impose a mourning period in your dating life for someone else, you should do it for you.
*Cover image credits: 'Reflection in a puddle': Photo by The HK Photo Company on Unsplash