Dating in the 21st century is *complicated*, to say the least. Not only do we have to deal with navigating the different personalities and people out in the world, we now have to worry about mixing our love lives with our social media lives. On top of that, 2020 hasn’t made it any easier, with the COVID-19 pandemic changing the way people date. With that being said, the changes in the way people date mean that there are new “red flags” and warning signs that we need to be aware of. From ‘ghosting’ to ‘benching’, the glossary of dating trends is ever-expanding. However, one particular trend could have a detrimental effect on your mental health, if you let it go on for too long. And that trend is: ‘cushioning’.
But don’t worry, we’re here to break it down for you.
What is ‘cushioning’?
A ‘cushion’ in the dictionary is defined as:
“A comfortable support for sitting or leaning on,”
“Something providing support or protection against impact,”
“[something to] mitigate the adverse effects of,”
With that being said, when applied in the context of dating, a ‘cushion’ is someone who is the fall back for your main relationship – the person you go to should your present relationship fail. It’s almost like having an immediate rebound.
Sometimes, it’s done unconsciously – where you lead someone on by letting them think you have a romantic interest in them while being in a relationship; keeping ‘options’ outside your relationship should things go south.
Why do people keep ‘cushions’?
For the same reason we add cushions to chairs and add padded mats on the ground: to avoid getting hurt.
Essentially, it is self-serving behaviour at the expense of others. People who keep ‘cushions’ tend to do so out of insecurity and fear – the fear of vulnerability, of reliving a past pain, or having their hearts broken. The irony is that, in giving in to the fear and making ‘backup plans’, they are setting themselves up for failure because they believe that there will be an end. Sometimes, it’s done when the person doesn’t feel fulfilled in their present relationship but instead of working it out with their partner, seek to find a way to fill that void.
Are you being ‘cushioned’?
In the same what that manipulation in a relationship can be spotted, there are also telltale signs that you are being used as a ‘cushion’.
For one, they will keep you on the hook. A call here, a date there – just enough to make you think that they’re somewhat invested in what you two have but not enough to give their main boo a reason to be suspicious. Sometimes, they do everything that a boyfriend would do for you except commit, label or acknowledge that you two are more than just friends. At the end of the day, as a ‘cushion’, you are there to fill a void and people who are cushioning you won’t be coming to you for anything else but that sense of completion This can lead you to feel as if there is something wrong with your relationship, and often times, if something is wrong with you. The reality is, you’re a distraction from whatever it is about the person they love and are with lacks. This doesn’t diminish your value in any way, mind you. It’s not a reflection of you, but rather, a reflection of issues that the other person has nad needs to work on.
How do you avoid cushioning?
If you’re now realising that you could be the one doing the cushioning, it’s time to ask yourself:
“Am I avoiding being truly vulnerable?”
“Are there things in my relationship that seem lacking – that I’m looking outsdie the two of us, for?”
“Do I want to make this work with my partner?”
After all, relationships aren’t all rainbows and unicorns. It isn’t a lifelong honeymoon – things change and people change. If at any point in time you’ve felt distant from your partner, it’s time to talk about it. Avoiding the issue and playing it cool will only cause the distance to grow.
Thinking, “Nah, it’ll solve itself,” won’t get you anywhere other than towards more pain in the long run. Communication is key.
Remember: never let anyone be your priority if you are only their option. And if you’re guilty of cushioning, it may be time to take a step back to reevaluate your relationship with yourself and the people you are involved with.
*Cover image credits: Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
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